In one of the best books on femininity of our time, the
author makes a statement that most women feel they are either “too much or not
enough” (Captivating p. 87). I believe
that the author was correct in this hypothesis, but I believe this idea plagues
more than women. I would say that many
men also struggle with this. I believe
that humanity often struggles with a certain amount of guilt and feelings of
inadequacy. Ask yourself this, do you feel like you are doing well with your
life? Do you truly believe that? Do you have to change the definition of “well”
in order to say yes? Do you believe that you are doing all that the Lord would
want you to do? Are you succeeding as a Christian? The results of a negative answer to these
questions are often one of two things 1) overcompensation or 2) resignation.
The pursuit of either of these roads does not lead us where we want to go. The
outcome is not what we are truly pursuing. At the end of the day, we want to
feel that we have accomplished that for which we were created. We want to be
accepted. We want to experience the glory which accompanies this.
“Well done my good and faithful servant…” Oh how we long to hear those words. Can you
imagine what it would feel like, to hear those words from the lips of the one
who is over all of this? The one that we
seek, we fear, we find, and we love. The one who first gave us our purpose, and
who knows our destiny.
Many days of my life have been spent trying to be better. To
achieve more. Ambition and drive have reigned in my life. But also times of
extreme laziness. Great periods of doing followed by great periods of doing
nothing. I have had to learn the idea of
rest. Because I have believed my worth
to be connected with what I do and what I accomplish. And that has caused me to lose more than I
have gained. Is an attitude of servant
hood to be scorned? Shall we reject all notions of sacrifice, of carrying our
cross? I doubt it. (On account of, it
is in the Bible.) But that’s not really
our struggle.
I have found that I get caught in a cycle. The same old song
that mankind sings. There is something I want, something I desire. This thing, is actually quite a legitimate
need. And often is an aspect of the Kingdom to which I belong. So I pursue it, only in my pursuit, I ruin
everything. Like some awful episode of I
Love Lucy… I go after that which I want in a way that ensures I won’t get it.
So I have learned to ask myself, “What do I want?” What do I
really want? And then I ask the Holy Spirit, “How can I get this?”
In those secret moments of feeling terribly inadequate,
often in the midst of a great worship service or prayer, I have observed that I
will cut myself off from receiving from God.
In the moment, I will focus on worshiping Him better, I will repent, I
will dance or sing or pray in the Spirit… Sometimes I will even make a list in
my heart of the ways I can remedy my spiritual ailments. All the while, I am secretly dodging His
face, because I am afraid. I don’t feel good enough. I don’t believe I have
measured up to the standard…whose standard that is exactly isn’t quite clear.
Perhaps it is my own standard, or the worlds, or some member of my family, or
dare I say it, God’s standard. His is the one I fear.
How many people have continued on in service, hoping to
finally reach the goal of pleasing God. Of pleasing whoever we call our god
(some other person or ourselves.) And
have become so exhausted and so separated from God, from the Truth, that they
finally resign, they resign from religion or life. We often wonder, how can
someone who has known God turn away from Him?
Easy. They inch away. They want all that He has, but they take the wrong
path to get it. On that path, they are separated from Him and the rest is
history.
The scary thing in writing this is the way I have done this
myself.
Recently I was in a service, and I began to feel that
uncomfortable feeling of inadequacy. It began to slip on me like a cloak. However
lately, I have found myself in an awkward in between. I can see better now, I
see what is happening in my own heart and I am more aware of my needs. Yet, I
am fighting the desire to take that ancient path, the one that doesn’t help.
Thankfully I am becoming more aware of how this upside down Kingdom works. So
instead of hiding, instead of running away, instead of trying to get lost in
the trading game, the earning, the buying, the selling... Instead, I opened up
my heart to receive. And to my great relief I wasn’t turned away. Instead I
soaked in His presence, His love for me in that moment.
I’m still at the beginning of this journey. Of figuring out
how to do this life thing. This kingdom life thing. How do I live in this
place? How do I live in this place when I know I don’t deserve it? I’m still
not always sure. I still get lost in the mystery of the Gospel, the mystery of
His love. In describing the Kingdom,
C.S. Lewis writes, “Everything is here for the asking and nothing can be
bought” (The Great Divorce p. 28). So
how can we ask today? What do we need?
Can we finally begin to live? I mean really live. Will we be brave
enough to ask the Lord what He thinks of us?
And will we receive His love in a fresh way? Will that fresh revival of
love in our hearts be the catalyst for revival in our worlds? In our hearts,
our homes, our neighborhoods, our churches, our nation, the nations?
I get the sense that healing and freedom are only moments
away.
Scripture to meditate on:
John 13: 1-20 (NASB)
13 Now
before the Feast of the Passover,
Jesus knowing that His hour had come that He would depart out of this
world to the Father, having loved His own who were in the world, He loved
them to the end. 2 During
supper, the devil having already put into the heart of Judas
Iscariot, the son of Simon, to betray Him, 3 Jesus, knowing that the
Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come forth
from God and was going back to God, 4 got
up from supper, and laid aside His garments; and taking a towel, He girded
Himself.
5 Then He poured water
into the basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them
with the towel with which He was girded. 6 So He came
to Simon Peter. He said to Him, “Lord, do You wash my feet?” 7 Jesus
answered and said to him, “What I do you do not realize now, but you will
understand hereafter.” 8 Peter said to Him, “Never
shall You wash my feet!” Jesus answered him, “If I do not wash you, you
have no part with Me.” 9 Simon
Peter said to Him, “Lord, then
wash not only my feet, but also my hands and my head.” 10 Jesus
said to him, “He who has bathed needs only to wash his feet, but is
completely clean; and you are clean, but not all of you.” 11 For He
knew the one who was betraying Him; for this reason He said, “Not all of
you are clean.”
12 So
when He had washed their feet, and taken His garments and reclined at the table again, He said to
them, “Do you know what I have done to you? 13 You
call Me Teacher and Lord; and you are right, for so I am. 14 If
I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash
one another’s feet.15 For
I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you. 16 Truly,
truly, I say to you, a slave is not greater than his master, nor is one who is sent greater than
the one who sent him. 17 If
you know these things, you are blessed if you do them. 18 I
do not speak of all of you. I know the ones I have chosen; but it is that the Scripture may be
fulfilled, ‘He who eats My bread has
lifted up his heel against
Me.’ 19 From
now on I am telling you before it comes
to pass, so that when it does occur, you may believe that I am He. 20 Truly,
truly, I say to you, he who receives whomever I send receives Me;
and he
who receives Me receives Him who sent Me.”
Commentary: When Jesus washed the disciples’ feet, I don’t
think it was about cleanliness. Jesus didn’t throw a towel on angrily and say,
“You look like you have been stomping around in the mud. Now I must rid you of
this dirt or else I cannot stand to have you in the room with me.” The focus is not on being clean otherwise
Peter’s request that he would be washed all over would make more sense to
Jesus. The focus is instead on Christ’s act of serving and our act of
receiving. Our ability to receive this free gift is extremely important to
Jesus. Then, we are released to fulfill our servant hood to one another.
